Asking questions can be such a powerful form of communication. A well-timed, well-phrased question can be disarming, reframing, or inviting. Asking questions can diffuse conflict, put people at ease, and help others feel understood. Asking questions can also clear up misunderstanding and confusion and bring healthy balance back to a relationship.
However, questions aren’t the cure-all for miscommunication. When asked a certain way, questions can create misunderstanding or put someone on edge. A friend of mine, in an effort to avoid confusion, often gives this disclaimer prior to asking a question, “I’m asking this question for information not implication.” It’s a helpful reframing.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been on the receiving end of a passive-aggressive question. You know the questions I’m referring to. The ones that sound like they’re “for information,” but we all know there’s a lot of “implication” wrapped up in them.
Questions like these (especially when accompanied by a certain tone:
Is that what you’re going to wear tonight?
Why are you getting so upset?
You do know I was only joking, right? (This one feels like a double-whammy. Chances are whoever said this just made a jab at you and also implied it’s your fault you’re bothered by their words.)
Passive-aggressive questions are not helpful, so I’d rather focus on questions that truly are seeking information not implication. However, I wanted to acknowledge that not all questions are beneficial.
I am continually surprised at how often we make assumptions in our communication with others. We assume we know what the other person is saying, what their words mean, or what their intention is toward us. Don’t get me wrong, there are some people we know very well, and at times, we really do know all of those things. However, when we assume things in our conversations with others, more often than not, our assumptions are incorrect.
A very helpful question I’ve started using in my conversations with others is, “When you say ______(insert word/phrase), what do you mean by that?” For example, I was recently talking with someone, and they described themselves as “not creative.”
So, I asked, “When you say creative, what do you mean?” By the end of our conversation, we had completely redefined creative and what it meant for that person specifically. I learned something new about that person’s thought process, and they gained a broader perspective of themselves. It was amazing, and the results came from asking a simple question.
I could have assumed I knew what that person meant when they said “creative” because I have my own definitions of that word. Interestingly, though, even that person wasn’t sure what they meant by it! After digging a little deeper, we both had a richer understanding of creative.
Another way to say this is “your normal is not everyone’s normal.” We are highly influenced by the thoughts and beliefs that surrounded us in our formative years. The way I define words isn’t the same way you define words. The way I’ve experienced events in my life isn’t the same way you’ve experienced events in your life. Assuming we’re coming from the same place and viewing things from the same perspective can create misunderstanding. Asking questions not only helps clear up confusion but also generates compassion for the other’s experiences and fosters deeper connection.
Brené Brown relates a wonderful (and humorous) story detailing what can happen when we assume we’re experiencing things the same way as another. It can result in confusion or hurt feelings, and it may create division in our relationships rather than connection. This story about Brené and her husband swimming together introduced a phrase that my husband and I adopted into our vocabulary, and it has been tremendously helpful! I guarantee you’ll find something helpful in her story.
Rather than assuming you know what’s going on in another’s mind, stay curious. Ask questions. You both may end up being very surprised by the results!
If you’re interested in learning more about caring for your heart and mind, please feel free to send me an email or schedule some one-on-one time with me. And consider subscribing to my blog, where I post lots of helpful suggestions on how you can begin (and continue) this journey of recovering your blueprint!
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