Sometimes I'm surprised at how often I don't want to have to make decisions and would rather decisions be made for me. Don't misunderstand me. There are also plenty of times when I don't want to be told what to do and want to make all of my own decisions! Free will is an amazing gift, so why do I so often want it to be taken away from me?
It really all comes down to dealing with the effects or outcomes of the decision-making. I'm sure this isn't surprising, but I'm far more comfortable making decisions when I'm almost positive what the outcome will be. It's the unknown that makes me nervous. I don't want to make a "bad" decision. I don't like feeling like I've made a "wrong" choice. And it's those times when I wish someone else would decide for me because if things go poorly, it can’t be my fault.
I know it's pretty common to want to be right. I'm aware I'm not in the minority on not wanting to be wrong. But I'm not sure how many others feel paralyzed by indecision like I do. Or I should say like I did. It flares up from time to time, but I'm making progress, and it's much better than it used to be.
Having the ability to choose is interesting. Sometimes we don't want it, sometimes we want it a lot, and other times, we don't realize we even have the ability to choose. I'm surprised at how often I hear others say things like, "What choice did I have?" or "What else was I supposed to do?"
Nothing is inevitable.
When I hear people ask questions like that, I realize just how much we really don't like being wrong. That's what questions like that truly indicate because we always have a choice and more often than not, we know what we're able to do. What we actually mean when we say things like that is, "I don't like any of the outcomes that are going to come from making this particular decision, and I don't want to have to make a decision that will result in these outcomes." In other words, "I don't want to be wrong."
And sometimes what we mean is, "I don't want to choose what I want because it's going to make someone else uncomfortable or unhappy, and I don't want to deal with that."
If any of those are our sole motivators for how we make decisions, it’s likely we’re going to continue to be paralyzed by making decisions or continue to avoid making decisions. We simply can’t operate that way. There will be times where we must make a choice. And there will be times where our choices negatively affect others. So, where do we go from here?
I think redefining a few things may be helpful…
Making a decision that results in an undesired outcome is not a statement on your worth as a person.
It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid. It doesn’t mean you “should have known better.” It means you gathered information and made the best decision based on that information. Sometimes things work out exactly as hoped. Sometimes they don’t.
An undesired outcome doesn’t mean you are a failure. As Polly Hamp at Think Differently Academy often says, “There’s no failure - only feedback.” If you’re having a difficult time accepting that one, please read this section again.
Free will is a gift.
Like all of us, God desires connection with others and wants to absolutely know it’s true, authentic, from the heart. So, when God created us, He gave us the gift of free will. He didn’t want robots. He chose us, and He wants us to choose Him.
God won’t take away your free will because He wants you to learn to feel better about taking responsibility for the choices in your life.
Don’t attribute to God what is yours. God always owns His part. You need to own your part.
Here’s an example from adolescence…”the big test” is tomorrow, but you decide to hang out with friends rather than study. Then, right before you take the test, you ask God to “help you get an A” on the test. If you don’t earn an A on the test, will you take responsibility for not studying or will you believe God let you down?
There will be times when you make “wrong” decisions. Own your part.
Making mistakes is a part of learning and growing. The world will not stop spinning because you made a choice that resulted in an outcome you didn’t anticipate.
If your choice affected others in a negative way, take a moment to truly see the situation. Did you knowingly and willfully try to hurt another person with your decision? If yes, then you need to take responsibility for that.
If your choice affected others in a negative way but it wasn’t your intention, take some time to pray and/or seek counsel from someone you trust about whether or not you need to make things right with the person who was hurt. Sometimes our good intentions result in not-so-great outcomes, and sometimes an apology goes a long way.
Part of growing and maturing is knowing when and how to make an authentic apology. This two-part podcast by Brené Brown and Dr. Harriet Lerner completely changed the way I give and receive apologies.
Be careful, however, that you don’t own things that aren’t yours to own. Sometimes others will misunderstand your motives. Sometimes the lens through which others see the world will result in their feelings being hurt no matter what decision you make. It’s not your responsibility to put out fires before they even begin. You’ll only exhaust yourself if you try to live this way.
Nothing is inevitable.
You may not like the possible outcomes of a choice, but you always have a choice.
None of us likes hurting others’ feelings, but you’ll exhaust yourself if trying to avoid that is your sole motivation on decision-making.
On the other hand, I do not recommend making decisions without giving any thought at all to how your decisions will affect others. As with most everything else in our relationships, balance is helpful and healthy.
Accept that there will be times when making the best decision for you will negatively affect others. Allow for the time and space for others to communicate their thoughts and feelings about how your choices affect them. Seek connection and understanding in these moments rather than trying to prove “right” and “wrong.”
Beginning this process may feel difficult, but the changes it will bring about in you and in your relationships are greater than you can imagine.
If you're not sure where to start, I’d love to talk more with you about this! Please feel free to send me an email or schedule some one-on-one time with me. And consider subscribing to my blog, where I post lots of helpful suggestions on how you can begin (and continue) this journey of recovering your blueprint!
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